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图表作文习作(一)

CAMBRIDGE 5

Test 1

Writing task 1

 

The line graph describes the percentage of the population aged 65 and over from 1940 to 2040 in three different countries – Japan, Sweden, USA.

According to the line graph, the proportion of the people aged 65 and over in Japan experienced a slight fluctuation between 1940 and 2000, and it is predicted to see a noticeable climbing since 2000. More specifically, the figure was 5% at 1940, and then it fell to about 3% and stayed stable until just around 1986 (around 3%). From this point onward, the number continuously increased and it is expected to reach 10% in about 2030. [BH1] After that, the proportion will markedly shoot up to [BH2] 25% in 2035, and then it will steadily go up to just under 27% in 2040.[BH3]

 

As the line graph shown, the percentage of population aged 65 and over in Sweden did and will see a increasing over the entire century. [BH4] To be more exact, the figure was just over 7% in 1940. Afterward, the number gradually climbed to about 14% in 1980. From this point, the number dropped to 13% in 1995 and increased again until 2012(20%). After a minimal drop, the proportion of population aged 65 and over is projected to go up consistently from 2025 to 2040(the numbers are 17% and just over 25% respectively).

 

Clearly, the line graph describes that the proportion of 65-year-old people and more than 65 years old people experienced a 15% growth between 1940 and 2040 in USA. [BH5] Interestingly, the proportion of people aged 65 and over in USA shared the same upward trend of proportion in Sweden in the coresponding[BH6]  period first forty years, with the proportion going up to 15% in 1980 in USA. Afterward, the proportion slightly fluctuated around 15% from 1980 to 2020, while the proportion is to dramatically rise to 24% in 2040.

 

Therefore, the proportion of people aged 65 and over did and will go [BH7] an upward trend over the century. The proportion in Japan will overtake [BH8] the other two countries in the last decade.


 [BH1]赘述了,用一句话浓缩一下走向会比较简洁。

 [BH2]“will shoot up” 用得不合适,”is expected to stand at/ account to / reach”都比较合适。

 [BH3]整篇作文按照行文思路将有三个主体段要写,则每一个主体段不应写得过长。全文要求150,这一段已经占了三分之二的篇幅了,不应该描述这么细致。

 [BH4]重复的太严重了,可以适当压缩变换一下冗长的第一句。

 [BH5]更长了。

 [BH6]错误拼写。

 [BH7]Will用法不合适

 [BH8]“is predicted to overtake”更合适。

 

修改后

The line graph describes the percentage of the population aged 65 and over from 1940 to 2040 in three different countries – Japan, Sweden, USA.

 

According to the line graph, the increase of the people aged 65 and over in Japan is expected to be 22% by 2040. Specifically, the figure stood at 5% in 1940 while seeing a fluctuation from 1940 to 2010. after that, it is predicted to continuously increase to the highest point by 2040, peaking at about 27%.

 

Unlike Japan, Sweden experiences a steadily increase over the entire century. More exactly, the number consistently rose from 1940 to 2010. After a minimal drop, the proportion is projected to markedly go up again at the point about 2030 and reach the highest point by 2040, with the old accounting for just over 18% and 25% of the population in 2030 and 2040 respectively.

 

Interesting, USA shared a corresponding upward trend in the period early forty while it was gradually caught up and overtaken by Sweden after 1995. From this point onward, the percentage leveled off at  just over 14% until now, which is predicted to significantly increase to approximately 23% by 2040.

 

Over all, the line graph indicates the increase in the aging people in three different countries. The proportion in Japan is expected to exceed the other two countries in the last decade.

PS: 主题样式排版原因,段落自动首行缩进,标准的齐头式书写时首行不缩进,段落之间加空行。

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